The Legion, otherwise known as Keeping the voices at bay....

19:43

Damn men just piss me off. Why can't they ever listen?

I was in such a good mood today. I finally figured out how to do something that has been eluding me for the longest time. Namely moving emails from one computer to another without actually saving each individual one. Yup, I'm a bonafide genius. That combined with my impending ultrasound tomorrow had me on a pretty good high today. And all without drugs, legal or otherwise.

Then Junior calls to say he won't be home tonight, maybe not even tomorrow. That means not only do I have to find my own way to the appointment tomorrow, but it means that my birth coach won't be there for one of the more important events.

Maybe it's the pregnancy hormones or maybe it's just my stress level, but I'm torn with being pissed enough to put my fist through the wall and upset enough to cry my eyes out for the next sixteen or so hours. It's kind of a toss up. And since I usually end up crying when I'm mad anyway, I guess you know what I've been doing since I got off the phone with him.

I knew it was a bad idea to go down there. I told him so several times. But I didn't put up a fight about it. I knew he had to go down and try to get some work done on the truck. I knew he needed some time off from the baby stuff he's had to deal with. Not to mention my neediness of late.

And at first it seemed to be going pretty well. He pinpointed several problems with the car and actually got them fixed, or so he thought. But then he, literally and figuratively, hit a pothole and now has to rebuild the frame of the car.

It's not his fault that I'm terrified about tomorrow. It's not his fault that I'm scared almost 80% of the time about this pregnancy. About something going wrong. And it's certainly not his fault that I rely on him too much for things like this. It's always been this way since we first met. He's been my rock. He understand me in ways no one else has ever come close too. He's more than my cousin, more than my friend. He's like a big brother always looking out for me. And I really need that tomorrow.

I'm not quite sure how I'm going to do this tomorrow. Chris is going with me, but it's just not the same. I just don't feel as comfortable with Chris, even though I'm pretty close to him. Hell, I can't even cry in front of Chris without feeling silly or weak.

I'm sure everything will be okay tomorrow. But right now it feels like everything is falling apart, me included. I wonder how many mothers have had nervous breakdowns during pregnancy?